Shrinking heads
Expanding hearts
the psychology poems
(heart image)
©2003
It
is difficult
to get the news from poems
yet men die miserably every day
for lack
of what is found there.
William Carlos Williams
CONTENTS
MEMORIES OF THREE OR FOUR
BLUE EYED BOY
FIRST ART PROJECT
REED BETWEEN THE LIONS
MY COUSIN WAYNE
BIG BOYS
A GUY THING
LINKS
AUSTIN
JUDY
FOR JOAN
DEBBIE – SIX MONTHS LATER
A DEBBIE MOMENT
IUDITA
UNSPEAKABLE
THE LIZARD
MOTHERIN UP
EGGSHELLS NEED LOVE TOO
PROJECTION
UNDERSTANDING THE FEMININE
LULLABY TO POLARITY
BECOMING
WHEN THE STORMS CAME
A VALENTINE FOR DORSEY
THE THERAPIST PRACTICES HER ART
ROPE BURNS
MONA LISA
If I can embrace all the parts of me
maybe then I can see how God sees me
MEMORIES OF THREE OR FOUR
I remember being nestled
in that old ranch kitchen
deep in the warmth of washday Monday
The Maytag’s liquid sounds mixing
with the gentle driving chugs
of the little gas engine
Sloshing and chugging sloshing and chugging
as I curled up beside it
in the great pile of laundry
rich with the smells of the people I loved
Half asleep half awake I floated there
all my senses safely cradled and warmed
and part of a rhythm and a sound
like a heartbeat in a womb
BLUE EYED BOY
Blue eyed boy
blasts off from breakfast like a quail on a rail
Collie dog leaps on board
and they’re off across the prairie
barely touching the tops of hills
Sun gives warmth or cloud gives shade
all depending on his whim
birds and rocks and swaying grass
everything living embraces him
Burrs don’t stick and thorns don’t prick
fences joining in the play
happily turn their barbs away
Floating along on the wings of four
not long now till they slam that door
FIRST ART PROJECT
It took a long time to pound
a whole keg of brand new spikes
into the hard ranch yard
A silvery path
paved with shining heads
danced bright in the prairie sun
I stood back
young and strong and proud
and knew that it was beautiful and good
My father thought he had to teach
There was no room for art
in a hard yard in a hard world
It was a long time before I tried again
REED BETWEEN THE LIONS
My mother’s will
was always stronger than my won’t
My father’s won’t
was always stronger than my will
Caretaker soft or Cowboy strong
How quick I learned to change my face
to face the faces that I faced
And
I can still spin that mirror now
so you can see the face you want to see
But neither you nor I will know
which one is me
MY COUSIN WAYNE
When Wayne was thirteen
he had the finest blondest hair
the finest features and the finest mind
of all the cousins round
A city boy and cooler about everything
than all of us until we took him hunting
when his first shot hit the rabbit
he ran and cried and held it till it died
At eighteen he quit school with A grades
a month before grad to get a jump on a job
met a girl and bragged
of achievement on first date
Over achievement it turned out to be
quick marriage, quick two children three
Army for security liquor for the pain
it was twenty years before I say him again
He was in a basement bar
sitting there course and thick as adobe brick
I wanted to roll it all back
reach in for the lost fineness
yank it all inside out
And hold him like the rabbit when he cried
still innocent when it died
BIG BOYS
The deep sadness
the red anger place
the “hang on tight we might
end up in the next county” passion
All hidden behind the great wall of control
That terrible land where I locked
the little boy who could cry
And if I open the door to one of these
will they come bursting out
And with what years
of built up force behind them
I know big boys don’t cry
I don’t remember why
Would they die
A GUY THING
Narcissus
Stared into the water till he died
locked into the image of his pride
Trying to embrace it made it fly
teardrops spoiled it when he’d cry
No thirst would make him think
to spoil it with his lips to drink
Self love was not the nymph’s dire curse
but love of image which is
much much worse
LINKS
Sometimes I’m strong enough
to fight the other man and win
Sometimes I’m strong enough
to keep all my feelings in
Sometimes I’m strong enough
to push your love away
Sometimes, yes sometimes, I think
I’m only as weak as my strongest link
AUSTIN
My daughter Patricia
meets a young man in Austin
He tells her a story
about the time he decided to end it all
Walking home from buying the gun
he meets a woman on the street
She smiles at him as they pass
He throws the gun away
JUDY
Judy was a beauty
tall and blonde and shy
early this month she decided to die
Those soft wise eyes those curling lashes
all now ashes
We have been friends for twenty years
hugs and coffee when in town
cards when far away
And always the latest poetry
She said it was important, and it touched her
in places nothing and no one else could reach
Three years ago
I put my neck in a green eyed noose
I sent no cards, I did not call
I do not know if I could have saved her
although touch and poetry
have been known to
I only know that I hate
what I did and didn’t do
I only know
that she drowned out there alone
I only know it was a long time
since I had thrown her a line
FOR JOAN
“God in his mercy lend her grace”
DEATH OF A THERAPIST
Even the camel
eater of straw
Cannot always reach
the one on his back
If we had been able to see
if she had been able to ask
Who would not have taken
a handful
to add to their lighter task
DEBBIE – SIX MONTHS LATER
How can I write of your death
and writing make it real
how can I not and ever hope to heal
How can I write of the crab
without a hatred more than buzzard red
who will a least not eat you till you’re dead
How can my heart and hands be empty
with fullness of the gifts I cannot give
how can if be you do not live
How like a vampire do I walk the night
and in a mirror no reflection see
without a you where is the me
A DEBBIE MOMENT
I was noticing again the other day
watching a movie, strangely enough
called “Remains of the day”
that even though you died
you haven’t gone away
In the movie
a bird gets trapped in the house
and tries to fly
through the high ceiling glass
Remember the time in the office in Austin
when the sparrow was trying to panic
to escape in this way
You spoke to it in your stardust voice
and it landed in trust in your hand
I remember the windows you flew against
and it is a great comfort to me
That you and the sparrow
are both flying free
FOR IUDITA
(child of holocaust survivors)
Artists without hands
hold the brush with their feet
Without hands or feet
hold the brush in their teeth
As for me and my friend
all that remains is the navel
And small circles
in the center of
the canvas
UNSPEAKABLE
The chosen people were forbidden
ever to speak the name
of God
Which is understandable
when you think of all
the unspeakable things
that are done
All in the name
of God
THE LIZARD
The lizard’s curled up
at the back of the brain
And the lizard’s
a cold blooded cuss
And whenever the heat
gets turned up too much
the lizard kicks up a fuss
MOTHERIN UP
Sometimes you lose a cow
sometimes you lose a calf
You wrap the orphan
in the dead calf’s skin
and the mother takes in like kin
Gold enough there for a country song
It’s a hurtin song – you can sing along
About true love died and true love gone
and foolin yourself just long enough
to keep on keeping on
EGGSHELLS NEED LOVE TOO
Lately I’ve been feeling so empty
and more fragile than ever before
Everything that I believed in is gone
Desperate I turn
my jagged edges to the world
Step on me
with sensitive feet, you will be sorry
with lumbering boots, I will be crushed
PROJECTION
She has reels upon reels in her mind
and a bright light further back in her head
and in a little theatre on a screen that is me
she plays films of her father who’s dead
All the flickering light makes it real
and we soon forget it’s a movie again
as we both get caught up in the action
and those magnets of fear and pain
But sometimes I hear an outside sound
and try to remember and look around
and wake to the pain of this dreaming
More often in the dark I just panic
and run from the theatre screaming
UNDERSTANDING THE FEMININE
The moon has a bright side
that we see in the skies
or reflected in water
and eyes
The moon has a dark side
which can never be ours
she uses it only
to commune with
the stars
A LULLABY TO POLARITY
The more the more
you are woman the more I am man
The more the more
you rest soft in my arms
the stronger they become
The more the more
I am man
the more you are woman
The more the strength in the shape
of the spoon
The more the more even in sleep
you curl up and melt
into sugar and good medicine
BECOMING
When it comes to becoming butterflies
only one thing applies
Nothing hard may be taken
For the caterpillar packing
for beauty and flight
Nothing hard may be taken
For she must first
become liquid and only then light
Nothing hard may be taken
WHEN THE STORMS CAME
When the storms came
and I started them I hid
When the storms came
and you started them I ran
When the storms came
and the world started them
I ran to you and hid
A VALENTINE FOR DORSEY
Reluctant she rises from morning love
The voices of a million things to do
argues with the voice of
the perfect moment
Slowly concedes
and fall back
into a purr
THE THERAPIST PRACTICES HER ART
Dorsey paints with people
dips into their hearts
where all colors
have merged
to mud
***
Gently
lays them out
ultra violet to infra red
spaces between clearly seem
and hands them back the brush
ROPE BURNS
I want to be able to bring home to you
Not only what I caught today
but the rope burns from
the ones that got away
Not only the buckles for the ones
that I stayed for the eight
but the taste of the dirt
and other stuff I ate
Not only the meat from that old bear
but all the claw marks he left there
That you’re the one I want to kiss them well
also shows the love that I can’t tell
MONA LISA
I’m so thankful you were there
like a Mona Lisa fair
To show me things I’d never see
and to model for my poetry
Which is not to compare
the artist or the style
But only to confirm again
the value of a smile
Dorsey
photo of Dorsey
back quote
What is to give light
must endure burning
Victor Frankl